showing up messy and just starting

learning to love the process of being a student again

I’ve spent a lot of time overthinking how to start this newsletter. It’s left me overwhelmed the past year or two, ever since I created this account.

Often, when I get the courage to start, I find myself consumed by my "analysis paralysis." I hold a lot of fear when it comes to being seen. Am I showing up in the right way? Am I delivering a message worthy of being heard?

There's an illusion I tend to create in my mind where I believe the things I put out are not worthy of being experienced. I worry about the space I take up; if I'm making the most of it.

This reminded me of the subtle narratives I repeat to myself every day. When I start something new, I experience a deeper feeling of embarrassment and shame. There's a fear that I'm showing up incorrectly or saying the wrong things.

It feels easier to look at the writers who are much more skilled than I am and study their methods of creation. These beacons of inspiration are masters I aspire to be. Often, I'll spend hours consuming the way I'd like to someday sound.

Unfortunately, this method has left me in a state of consumption and not action. I'm left in a dream state hoping for a "someday" instead of staying present in the "today."

It's harder to act and "do the thing" when I'm grasped by the overwhelm of actually doing it.

Can you relate to this?

I think social media does a great job of making me feel inadequate. Albeit, it's usually me who does a great job of making me feel inadequate.

Yet, I'm convinced to believe that everything creative under the sun comes out perfect. I am fed the idea that everything already arrives naturally curated.

After a while, it's hard not to believe that's how things are.

Here's a reminder that perfection is not normal. The journey to figure it out and the time we put in to show up for ourselves is more normal. Even when it's hard to make sense of things, show up anyway. Blindly skipping to the end, and avoiding the messy in-between, will cheat you of the alchemy of who you desire to be.

When I strive too far ahead and don't meet my expectations, I use this as an excuse to not show up for the day. If I'm not meeting the expectations, then I must not have studied hard enough. So, I need to study more or contemplate my angle more.

While this might seem productive, I lose the opportunity to do something and show up for myself for the day. Thus, restarting the cycle of "analysis paralysis."

Today I'm deciding to change that.

Today I choose to show up imperfectly and embrace the messy in between.

I hope this inspires you to start something new, even if difficult, and to love the process of being a student again.

For now, I'm finding my way back to myself, through the change, messiness, and the “trying to figure this life thing out."

I hope we can share that feeling as I embark and share my field notes on self-love through this newsletter.

Thanks for showing up today,

Mary J ♡

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A song I can’t stop listening to this week: